Better?
by wordwiz8121
Summary: Johnny is better he still loves her, but he doesn't want to hurt her again...
1. Chapter 1

read or die

i don't own it

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Johnny looked through his clothes, all black. He shuffled through a few more shirts until he found a white button up shirt. _Time to move on I guess._ He took the shirt off the hanger and put it on. He left the top two buttons undone. He tucked the shirt into a pair of black slacks. 

It had been four months since he died. He had cut off the spikes of hair that stuck oddly off his head, now his hair was cut short almost normal. Johnny had destroyed Reverend Meat and sold the pitiful excuse for a house.

He walked out the front door and pulled up the sign, **stay off the loose soil, **it didn't apply anymore. Small grass shoots came up from the hard earth.

"Johnny."

He turned around. It was Squee staring up at him confused.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"For a little while, yeah." Johnny said smiling.

"Where?" Squee said. For once in his life the neighbor man didn't scare him.

"I'm not sure…I just need to get away for a while." Johnny kneeled down, "Sq—Todd, I want you to take care of yourself." He reached into his boot and pulled out a knife. "I know it may not feel right but you need to keep yourself safe, no matter what, even if you have to hurt someone else."

Johnny stood up and walked to his car. He got in and turned on the engine. He pulled out of the drive way and sped off to some unknown destination.

Johnny was driving by a flower shop, He stopped the car and got out. He went in, _flowers._ He smiled.

He wandered through the aisles looking for something,

"Sir…"

_Been a long time since anyone's called me that. _He thought.

"Sir is there something you're looking for." The attendant said.

"I need flowers for a friend I hurt…an ex-girlfriend." Johnny said

The woman smiled, "That's sweet. What does she like?"

"I don't know…I never asked her."

"Well in that case," the woman walked toward him, "what is she like?"

"She's amazing." Johnny said, "She likes to paint…she's different from any girl I've ever met." He smiled to himself.

The woman scanned the rows of flower. "How about," she walked to the back of the store. "Oriental lilies, they're still planted so they won't dry up."

He smelled the flower. It had an overwhelming scent. "They're perfect, how much?"

"Fifteen with the planter." She said.

He reached into his pocket pulled out a ten and a five, and shoved them into the woman's hands. "Thank you." Johnny took the flowers and drove to the park. He went to a pay phone.

With practiced fingers he dialed the number.

"Hello…" came the tentative answer.

"Devi-"

"Johnny, fuck."

He heard her take the phone from her ear. "Wait Devi." He shouted so she could hear. "I want you to meet me in the park. Lot's of people I couldn't hurt you if I wanted to."

"What the hell do you mean if you wanted to." She had put the phone back to her ear. "You tried to fucking kill me!"

"I know, and you kicked my ass." Johnny said.

"What do you want Johnny." She asked.

"I want you to meet me in the park. You don't have to…but I've missed you."

The last thought seemed to stop the conversation dead.

"I—I'm leaving town tonight. I'll wait until seven." Johnny said and hung up; he sat down heavily on the park bench. His white shirt ruffled a little around his frame.

He waited for what seemed like hours. It began to get dark, "Excuse me what time is it?" he asked a person jogging by.

The person stopped and ran in place. "It's 6:30."

Johnny thanked the man who continued to run. "Damn it." He stood up ready to walk to his car. He grabbed the flowers.

"J—Johnny." Devi said.

"Devi, I was about to think you wouldn't show." He said.

"You look different." She commented.

"I feel different…better." He said."These are for you." He held out the lilies.

"Johnny I—"

"Don't say anything. I know what I tried to do…listen it wasn't my fault, and I know that is a pretty stupid thing to say but, I wasn't right when it happened, I was sick and I'm sorry I tried to hurt you, had I been in my right mind…I still love you." He ended.

"Where are you going to go?" Devi asked.

"I don't know." He walked a few step closer. "I just need to get away from this place because I know that this city is a part of it."

He looked at the stars. Devi followed his gaze. "Everything is so clouded." She said referring to more than the sky.

"Yeah…I guess I had better go now." Johnny turned from her. "I just had to say goodbye before I left."

She touched his shoulder. He didn't shy away, Johnny turned back to her. "Yes?"

"I can't just forgiveyou." She said.

Johnny nodded, "I know that...I just wanted to say I was sorry for what I had done."

"So you're running away form what you've done?"

He shook his head, "God no, things would be so easy if I could just runaway...if I could just forget," he stopped and shook his head again, "Forgetting is what led to this mess. I've gotten help...massive amounts of intensive therapy and so on like that, I can't erase the things that I've done, but before I left I had to make up with you at least...you were the only person I can remember really loving."

"Johnny..." her voice seemed to be filled with a mix of anger, pain, and sympathy.

"Did you walk?" he asked.

Devi nodded.

"Come on." He turned toward his car and walked. "I'll give you a ride home."Devi followed. She got into the passenger seat.

He drove to her house and walked up to her apartment with her. "Come in." she opened the door.

Johnny took a step back, "I have to go...I told you this place isn't right, if I stay..."

"Please, Johnny, just for a moment."

His eyes grew pained, after closing them for a moment he stepped in. It was a mess, paints wer dribbled over the carpet, also some broken glass and what looked a little like blood.

"It's kind of a mess." he said glancing around, his eyes fell on a painting of a doll with burned out eyes. "did you paint this?"

Devi took he coat off and turned to look at the canvas, "Yes, I don't like it much. I think I'm going to throw it out."

_Mother would never do that._

Her head went up. "What?" She whispered.

_You can't throw me out...don't you love me?_

"No, I don't...you're trying to make me sick like Johnny **was**"

There was a laughing sound. "Fuck you." She muttered.

"Did you say something?" Johnny looked at her questioningly

"No, nothing at all..." Devi turned to him and smiled.

Johnny had his hands shoved in his pockets, a sign that made Devi wary. He pulled a folded sheet of paper out of his pocket, "...I have to get going, if you want to keep in contact." he handed her the paper and moved toward the door.

"Johnny wait!" Devi put a hand on his shoulder, "I don't want you to leave."

He pushed her hand off his shoulder, "I have to go...I told you this place is sick at least three times, I'm leaving."

"Then let me go with you?" Devi asked

Johnny's hand rested on the door knob, _I still love her...what do I do...what if I'm not better...I might hurt her again...the medication..._he turned the knob without answering her. "Goodbye Devi...I love you."

As he walked down the hall he heard the door close and lock, he wasn't going to look back, Dr. Fox said that the past had to be left to rest. Johnny once again felt her hand on his shoulder, a small comfort amidst the chaos of life, "You said you loved me..."

"No, Love you...not loved you...I still love you." He sighed

She sounded almost angy when she spoke again, "If you love me you won't just leave me."

It was Johnny's turn to get angry, "What do you want me to say...I've told you I was sorry...I plucked up the courage to call you and apologize, I am not going to be ridiculed because you don't trust me! What more can I do to prove you that I LOVE YOU!"

He got into the elevator and hit the button for the lobby floor. "Johnny wait!" Devi ran to the doors as they closed but she was too late. She turned and ran to the stair hoping to catch him before he left.

Johnny slumped in the elevator, he pulled a small bottle out of his pocket, opened it and put one of the pills in his mouth. _Fuck._

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Well what did you think? I might update…if I can think of more words to say. Anyway Read and Review.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Of course if I was Jhonen I wouldn't care enough to write this…at least I think I wouldn't…but then again I really can't say that seeing as I have never met him myself…Anywho, I'm sure you get the idea that I don't own Johnny or Devi.

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The elevator stopped with a shudder, Johnny stood and walked out of the doors the lobby to the building was small and hideously blue. He sneered and headed for the auto lock double door.

**nowdevi'spov**

Her head was spinning, _Why, why did this have to happen._ Her heart pounded as she flew down the stairs she was still on the second floor Johnny was probably already gone, _Why do I still love him?_ The question ran through her head as she hit the last flight of steps, it was almost enough to stop her in her tracks.

"Why do I love him?" she voiced the question, "He tried to kill me!" But her legs kept moving pumping down the steps until she came to the door. Devi's hands flew out to the handle, she ran through as the front doors swung shut.

"Johnny!"

He kept moving, _Dr. Fox said never look back _he thought as he reached the door to his car. The door was unlocked; he pulled it open and slid into the vehicle snapping his seatbelt and shoving the keys into the ignition he started the car.

"Johnny…I need to talk to you, I need to figure some things out."

He put his head back and closed his eyes giving Devi enough time to run to the door of the car. "What do you want Devi?"

"I want to go with you…"

"No, I don't want to take the chance that I may hurt you again. You don't understand how long it's been since I've felt even half way normal…Dr. Fox told me to let the past rest, but I couldn't leave without saying goodbye to you first." Johnny said

"That has to say something to you, you trusted yourself enough to be near me." She was frantic.

A sigh escaped his lips, "I trust myself for now, but if something happens, if I snap…I don't want you to be in the way of that."

Johnny shifted the car into drive, "If you want to keep in contact, my number is on that paper I gave you."

He looked away from her, "Goodbye Devi." His foot pressed the gas and his car sped away leaving Devi on the curb clutching the small sheet of paper.

_It's better this way, I promise. _He thought looking into the rearview mirror at Devi's reflection.

**giveortakeayearlater**

With his eyes closed he rested back in the chair, "Johnny…Johnny!" he felt the chair shake and grudgingly opened his eyes,

"What do you want Dwayne?"

"The boss is heading down the hall; he's come to check out your latest project."

Johnny looked down at the few doodles he had managed to come up with since he got to the building at ten earlier that day. "Shit."

"Shit is right," The short man walked into the room and glanced at the doodles, "What is this crap Johnny? Usually you are the best graphic design artist on my team but lately…you've been slacking."

Johnny sighed, his grip tightened on his pencil. "These," he said calmly, "Are just concept drawings…they will look better when I finish them." He lied easily.

The Boss snorted before walking to another table to criticize another employee. Johnny glared at his back for a moment before returning to his drawings. His hair fell into his eyes; he had allowed it to grow quite wild since he left. He considered himself to be well off now, he had money to pay for his meds and the weekly visits to Dr. Stone. Johnny sighed _I know I'm happy but something is missing_.

He glanced at his drawings; they all resembled Devi. "No," he stood up, "I am done with that part of my life."

"Hey, Johnny, you feeling okay?" Dwayne asked

"As a matter of fact…I'm not." He rubbed his eye, "I think I'm going to go home and rest."

Dwayne nodded as Johnny walked out the door

**outsidethebuildingnow**

The rain was pouring; it quickly managed to soak through Johnny's coat and shirt. He was shivering now. Despite his hatred of public transportation he hailed a taxi, even Johnny couldn't stand the weather. Within ten minutes the cab pulled up in front of his building, "Thank you." Johnny tossed some money at the driver and ran for the refuge of the stoop. He unlocked the door and headed inside.

**johnnyishishousedoingnormalpersonthings**

Upstairs in his apartment Johnny had decided to shower for warmth, seeing as the heating didn't work so well. Steam poured out of the bathroom, Johnny sat on the floor of the tub looking at what he assumed scars from when he was a teenager. They were long vertical lines of raised tissue, _funny that I can't even remember these._ He smiled then sighed, the water was getting progressively colder. Johnny swung around and turned the water off. He stood and stepped out of the shower wrapping himself in a towel.

**andbacktodevi**

Devi walked up the steps slowly not sure if she was doing the right thing _Johnny said he wanted to be better…what if being near me makes him sick. _

She stopped doubting her decision to find him. _He seemed fine last time I talked to him._ With a final resolve she started up the steps again to Johnny's floor. Devi reached his door and stood still almost frozen_ should I be doing this?_

After standing what seemed like hours frozen she heard someone running. She looked down the hall a man with short curly hair ran up to Johnny's door and rang the bell.

"Hey," he said "What are you standing here for?"

She faltered for a moment, "I knew Johnny…I wanted to talk to him."

He smiled, "I'm Dwayne, I work with Johnny."

"Devi," She said.

Dwayne reached out and rang the bell again. From inside the apartment Devi heard his voice. "I said hold on a minute!"

**youknowi'mtiredofwritingthesethings**

The doorbell rang, "Shit, Just a minute!" He grabbed a pair of black cargo pants and slipped into them. Again the bell rang, "I said hold on a minute!" without stopping to grab his shirt he ran out of the bathroom to the front door with a towel around his shoulders. He looked through the peep hole and saw Dwayne standing outside; Dwayne smiled and held up a package addressed to Johnny.

He sighed undid the chain lock and opened the door, "What the hell is this?" he said moving so Dwayne could walk in.

"I don't know it came for you after you left." He said.

Johnny began to shut the door. "Wait," Dwayne said, "Aren't you going to let that girl in?"

"Girl, What girl?" Johnny opened the door again. Devi stood frozen in place, she couldn't help it.

"Devi."

"Johnny…I." she started.

"What are you doing here?" He asked his voice edging on hostility.

She looked to the ground, "I've been thinking about you a lot lately."

"You could have just called me." Johnny said looking at her.

"But that wouldn't have worked, I…I had to see you…had to know you were okay." She paused for a moment looking into his honey brown eyes, "I know you don't want to be near me, you want to obliterate all feeling for me…but I…"

"Come in Devi." Johnny stepped aside.

Devi looked at him thanking him without saying a word. Dwayne felt out of place he sensed this was a personal thing, "Well Johnny I just wanted to bring that by so I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"Yeah okay, thanks Dwayne." Johnny took the package and set it on the table as Dwayne left.

The room grew silent after the door closed Devi stood awkwardly in the middle of the room Johnny stared at her, taking in her green eyes, purple hair, and pale skin. He closed his eyes trying to block out her image.

Devi stood staring at Johnny with equal interest. His hair was now shaggy andcovered the tops of his ears, his skin was a little darker, and the bags under his eyes had vanished. She glanced at the towel that fell over his shoulders exposing his chest.

Johnny noticed her glance move down causing him to look down, he finally realized that he had a towel wrapped around his shoulders. "Excuse me for a minute." He turned and walked toward his room pulling the towel off, "Make yourself comfortable."

He returned a few minutes later wearing a grey shirt, "How have you been Devi?" Johnny flopped next to her on the couch.

"I'm fine…it's just that I haven't been able to stop thinking about you, I needed to see you." She finished lamely.

"I've been thinking about you a lot too." He said. He pulled his sketch book off of the table and flipped through the pages, all the women in the pictures resembles Devi. "I don't know why…It's been hard trying not to think about you."

Her eyes softened, "Johnny?"

"I have been trying, I have been going to the doctor, and I've been taking me medication. But no matter what I do your face is stuck up here." He pointed at his head, "I love you and it nearly killed me to drive away that night."

Before she knew what she was doing her arms were wrapped around his thin shoulders, her head rested lightly against his chest listening to the sound of his breathing and the beating of his heart. "Johnny, I love you too." It was the first time she had said it aloud to any one.

"That's good." He said.

"Why?"

"Because if you love me it gives me permission to do this." He put his hand to her chin and tilted her head back slightly brushing his lips against hers. It was a soft, gentle beautiful kiss. Suddenly everything that had been missing was right here in front of him.

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Any who...I'm considering another chapter, I'm not sure if I want to make this sad or not. 


	3. Chapter 3

Hey look I actually decided to continue the story…well as you know JTHM or and affiliated characters belong to Jhonen. I felt really bad about writing this story; I kept it almost a year before I posted it…any who, here we go again.

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"Johnny, why did you decide to check yourself into this facility?" The doctor sat in the chair examining Johnny. "If you don't mind my asking."

"Why should I mind, though I would think it'd be obvious," Johnny said, "I'm very clearly fucking insane, I mean I have done some horrible shit."

"Would you mind telling me?" The doctor asked.

"Maybe later, right now I'd just like to go to my room."

The doctor nodded and stood to lead Johnny out of the office, "Right this way Mr. C."

**scenebreakscenebreakscenebreak**

Johnny pulled himself away from the kiss and away from Devi's arms. "You don't love me Devi, you just think you do. Go home get some sleep and see how you feel tomorrow."

"But—"She started to protest.

"No, don't you remember that I tried to kill you. The only reason you've come back to me is because I was a constant in your life, I scared the living hell out of you but I loved you. I was always there, when I left the only solid thing you had was gone."

He stood and grabbed the package from the table and moved into the kitchen. With practiced movements he slit the box open with a knife. Inside was eighteen orange pill bottles.

**scenebreakscenebreakscenebreak**

"How long has it been Johnny?"

"How long has it been since what?" Johnny said tiredly.

"Since you slept." Dr. Fox asked.

Johnny mulled over the time in his head, "Well, if I consider the time I went to hell as a dream then about two weeks. If not, probably six months."

"You went to hell?" this seemed to really interest the doctor.

"You're getting off subject Dr. Fox."

"Of course, excuse me for that. Now you said it had been over six months since you last slept…that's not good for you, I think it may be the cause of some of your delusions." She said slowly. "I'm going to prescribe a sleep aide and see if that along with some counseling won't help the situation." The doctor scribbled something on her prescription pad and sent it quickly through the fax machine, "You'll receive your first dose tonight."

**scenebreakscenenbreakscenebreak**

He methodically took the bottles from the box and set them on the counter counting the bottles.

"You're on this many medications?" Devi said from the door.

"No, this is a six month supply." Johnny laughed slightly at the look on her face, "Two anti-psychotics," he held up two of the bottles, "and a sleep aide." He held up the third bottle. The three bottles he was holding he put carefully next to the sink. The other fifteen bottles he put into a drawer. "I'm not crazy enough to be taking eighteen pills at once." He laughed a little.

"So you really are psychotic then?" Devi said unsure of her decision to come and see him.

"It's the only way I got away with what I did." Johnny said

"You told the doctor." She sounded amazed, "Why aren't you in a mental institute?"

"Because I was when I told Dr. Fox, she was just as astounded as you…but she helped me." Johnny crushed the box and put it into the trash, "I am better, but without these…I don't know if I would be."

**Scenebreakscenebreakscenebreak**

He stared at the ceiling of the hospital room from the bed, Dr. Fox had given him the sleeping pill and much to Johnny's surprise it was working. His eyelids were heavy his body weighted with sleep. Dr. Fox walked in for the final check of the night, "How are you Johnny?"

"I'm jus…just fine…kinda tired though…" He yawned and rolled away from the door. "I think I'm gonna—" his speech was cut off as the pill took effect.

"Good night Johnny." Dr. Fox closed and locked the door.

**X**

"How are you feeling this morning Johnny?" Dr. Fox asked.

He leaned back in his chair slightly, yawning off last nights sleep, "I feel…actually I feel pretty good." He smiled and for the first time it didn't look psychotic. "I usually have nightmares but last night…I don't even remember."

"That means the medication is working perfectly." Dr. Fox smiled, "Would you like to go to the recreation room and be with the other patients?"

"I think I'd rather go to my room and read." Still smiling he stood to leave.

"Very Well." She said and followed him to his room.

**scenebreakscenebreakscenebreak**

"Do you really need those to be 'better'," Devi glared at the bottles, "What if those are placebos."

Johnny shrugged, "Then they are and I'm not nearly as sick as I thought." He glanced up to the clock on the wall, "Shit, Devi if you don't mind I have got to go."

"Why?"

"If I don't go now I'll be late for my appointment with Dr. Stone…it's a 4 o'clock." He smiled before leaving the kitchen and grabbing his jacket, "It was nice talking to you maybe we could do it again sometime."

Johnny opened the door to his apartment silently asking Devi to leave. "I can come back tomorrow."

"No, I have to work." He said stepping out after her. "Just give me a call sometime." _It's killing you isn't it? _

Johnny's eyes widened…that voice…_leave me the hell alone!_

_But it's true…you love her, you can't let her go. Preserve the feeling…_

He closed his eyes subconsciously he reaching into his pocket for his bottle of medication; he put the pill in his mouth and swallowed.

_You can't get rid of me that easily…_the voice began to fade, slowly becoming like the adults it Charlie Brown.

"I really have to go now." Johnny ran down the hall leaving Devi once again standing alone.

**X**

"How are you feeling today Johnny?" Dr. Stone smiled warmly as he entered the office.

"The voice came back again…just for a moment, but it was there."

"Was it D-boy or Eff?"

"I couldn't tell," he was near tears, "I don't want to be sick again…I like having a life and not hurting people!"

"Johnny you need to calm yourself…now tell me, have you encountered something from your past recently, that can often cause voices or memories of voices to return." He scribbled a note on the writing pad in front of him.

Johnny sat heavily on the couch with his face in his hands. "Devi…"

"Devi? Isn't that the girl you tried to kill?" he flipped back to the front of the writing pad.

"Yes…but it wasn't out of spite, the voice they told me it was the only way to preserve my happiness." Johnny said.

The doctor read something. "You said that the voices called it immortalizing the moment?"

Johnny merely nodded. "Yeah…that's what the called it."

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Sorry about how long it took me to update, I couldn't think of anything else to write for a couple days. Oh well pleas Read and Review.


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